The Zen of Chopping Wood

Some days just seem tough. Something goes wrong or seems unfair. I have an irresistible urge to do something to make everything right. It's at that time that I close my eyes, take a deep breath and head for the chopping block.

All my troubles are solved at my oak chopping block. I bring out my trusty Fiskars super splitting axe, 6 pound maul, wood grenades, and wedge. I fell a lovely oak that leaned against a dead pine tree in our forest. The earth shook when Leaning Oak fell to the ground. Since then, I have had the joy of splitting rounds of oak.

Splitting oak takes some serious concentration. I find that the perfect remedy to my foolish, irresistible urges to try to fix people and situations. I just keep splitting oak until I am thoroughly cured of that curse of the gods. Sometimes I swing my axe and maul for four or five hours. By that time I am so exhausted that I couldn't do anything about the person or situation even if I wanted to. And, amazingly, everything comes out just fine without my interference!

My axe is made by the same company that makes scissors. It is not the humongous axe that Paul Bunyan swung or Abraham Lincoln, for that matter. It is a scientifically engineered axe, sharp as a razor blade, that will defeat even the most gnarled, knotted round of oak. Not that it is easy, mind you. Some oak rounds that are especially difficult take me over an hour to completely split up. It is me against the knotty, gnarled oak round.

I find that each oak round has its particular character. Sometimes I am lucky. The round, although 21 inches long and 30 inches in diameter, is without knot or bend. It is straight with nice stress marks on the ends to help the splitting. I spit the round without major troubles. Other times the oak round has a nasty knot or has been cut at an angle. That requires some real intelligence and focus. I need to wield my axe for effect, making sure that I don't miss and cut off my leg. This axe is so sharp that just touching my arm cuts it! This is not an activity for the distracted or the careless. And that is the heart of the Zen of Chopping Wood. Total focus.



I didn't always win. At one point, my Fiskars bounced off the oak rounds like canon balls off Old Ironsides. I could see how Old Ironsides, made of oak, earned its reputation. Not to be defeated, though, I learned of a Fiskars axe sharpener. After buying that for about $10, my fortunes changed. I have yet to find an oak round that could beat me, even with only a 6 pound maul for back up.

I had suffered from another challenge for four years before I found a solution. Squirrels raiding my bird feeder. Every time I devised a new way to foil them from gorging on the hanging bird feeder, they found a solution. The squirrel proof feeder failed. Hanging the feeder by a cord over a branch 20 feet up failed. After a couple months, the squirrels decided just to leap to the earth when I approached! Now I know how squirrels learned to fly. Actually, I defeated them after I gave up. I just happened to buy cheaper bird feed. The recession, you know. The birds kept coming but the squirrels couldn't be bothered! So, I guess there is a Zen of defeating the squirrels, as well. I won by giving up!

Some urges require only an hour to subdue. After splitting a single round, I am ready to get back to work without doing anything foolish. Other urges require the full five hours, until I am limp and senseless and full of the joy of delightful exhaustion. I drag myself back into the house without the ability to do anything stupid. I just take a shower and collapse. And, to my continual amazement, when I finally regain my strength, the problem no longer exists!



I have considered other ways to try to deal with the desire to kill people who wrong me or do something stupid. First, kill the person or people. Fortunately, I have never acted on that! Second, drink myself silly. That never worked because I really dislike alcohol. I can't even bare the taste of red wine, which I tried to drink for my health. Third, hitting golf balls at the driving range. That is not bad, but at the end of the day I am out $12 and have nothing to show for my labor. No, none of those for me. Just give me my rounds of oak, my axe, maul, and wedges, and I'll solve any problem by not acting on it. And I have a stack of lovely oak firewood to burn in our Harman Oakwood next winter. Yes, the Zen of chopping wood is to solve the problem by not solving it!